Where Did the Alaskan Bush Family Move to in Colorado
It's been a while since my last highly-optimized Alaskan Bush People ploy for pageviews. I figured an update on the Browns' offseason escapades is in order.
Another flavour* of Alaskan Bush People is currently in production, and yous can await it to debut early this summer. I realize this may come as disappointing news, but I am here to offer comfort. For as long every bit Discovery Channel or any other media entity continues to excrete Alaskan Bush People into our entertainment supply, I will exist here to mock and deride it with you.
So onward with the mocking and derision.
The Browns Are Moving to Washington! The Hell?
Alaskan Bush People came into existence because the Browns purported to live deep in the Alaskan wilderness, ofttimes going for up to half-dozen months without seeing an outsider. LIES! The land of Alaska knew that the Browns didn't even live in Alaska long enough to qualify as permanent residents, and the state brought charges of Permanent Fund Dividend fraud on Billy and other family members. How Alaskan Bush People remained on Discovery's lineup after this news remains one of life's not bad mysteries.
The Browns haven't been living in Alaska very much at all. Lately they've been living in Los Angeles so Mother Ami could exist treated for advanced lung cancer at UCLA. At the end of the most recent Alaskan Bush People season, the Browns were all excited about moving to Colorado and building a agglomeration of new stuff. And then what happened to all of that?
Human, I can't look to hear Billy's explanation. Was someone shooting at them again?
Billy supposedly purchased country near Loomis, Washington, a humming boondocks of 159, according to the 2010 census. Geographically, it's a nice place for fake Bush-league living, and it'southward isolated enough for the Browns to practice their TV shenanigans out of sight. 1 of the area'south most interesting features is Palmer Lake. An bearding source with intimate knowledge of the shape of lakes confirmed exclusively to TV Insider that the lake resembles a "droopy penis." Henceforth, we shall refer to Palmer Lake as Lake Flaccid.
Yous may be wondering how this clusterfarce can notwithstanding exist called Alaskan Bush People. Would Discovery consider renaming the evidence—and if then, what would they call it? There's already enough of brand equity built up in the bear witness'due south name. Changing the championship would bewilder the show's cadre audience of people who still program their VCR. Discovery might consider a subtitle affair and call it Alaskan Bush-league People: Washington Wolfpack or Alaskan Bush People: The United nations-Alaskan Years or Alaskan Bush-league People: Still on TV. (I will lawyer upwardly if Discovery uses any of those titles.)
They're Building Yet Another Brownton Abbey. Yawn.
In the get-go ABP season, the 9 Member Brown Association congenital a motel in the woods near Chitina, Alaska. It was the fulfillment of their lifelong dream. And then they abandoned it. In the second season, the Brown Family (all nine of them) began to construct a dissimilar motel, this one near Hoonah, Alaska. It was the fulfillment of their lifelong dream… so they abased it. In the series' near contempo flavor, the Members of the Brown Family Numbering Ix bought land in Colorado on which they were planning to build several cabins. Information technology was going to be the fulfillment of their lifelong dream. Then they abandoned information technology.
After that, the 9 Browns Who Are a Family Unit of measurement bought land in northern Washington. At that place'south a pattern hither, is what I'm getting at. Now, there's going to exist construction on a new Brownton Abbey in Washington, and I don't understand why anyone would emotionally invest in watching these dopes pretend to build something they're eventually going to trash and abandon anyway. They've pretty much wearied that storyline. Unless they're amalgam a Bush Decease Star, this is going to be slow as hell.
BigHorn Cabin DC office in town and the crew is edifice set up props in the back and hauling it up to the property.
Posted by Alaskan Bush-league people Exposed on Wednesday, March 21, 2018
On the subject field of tedious as hell, this area of Washington is a popular place to pan for gilded. You'll recall that prospectin' is one of Billy's favorite wastes of time, and we can await ABP to waste matter a lot of screen time on his chase for nuggets. If nosotros wanted to encounter this stuff, nosotros'd watch the 30 other gold-mining shows on Discovery Channel.
Noah in Exile
In that location's this sublime subplot going on in the Browniverse, and information technology'south a travesty we'll never become to run into it on Boob tube. You'll recollect that Noah didn't appear in the "Home Away for the Holidays" Christmas special in December. We'll let Billy explicate why.
She Who Is Not To Exist Named is Rhain, Noah's fiancée (though there was scuttlebutt that they were married in Colorado in summer of last yr). Rhain has fabricated a few appearances on ABP, her starting time being a tour de force of insincerity in "All Falls Down." Terminal ABP season, Rhain only appeared in recycled footage. Turns out there's a corking rift betwixt Rhainoah and the rest of the Browns, and it is marvelous entertainment. In an unusual display of good judgment, Billy won't let Rhain appear on the show. Rainy and Birdy do not like her.
Rhain's whole scheme to get on TV past snagging the most drastic Brown boy has complanate, and thanks to the deplorable voyeuristic wonder that is Facebook, we get to behold her meltdown in all its glory. Rhain is hellbent on seeing this through, and Noah won't give upward the beginning woman he'southward been with that didn't also accept an air valve. No one's backing down, so Rhainoah is banished to a cabin on Billy'southward state in Colorado while the rest of the family films in Washington.
But wait, it gets worse! Rhainoah'southward crowdsourced honeymoon gift registry was "accidentally" leaked on the internet. Noah claims the registry was only intended for friends and family who are existence invited to their hymeneals, yet they've done null to rectify it or dissuade their deluded "FAN-ily" (Noah's discussion, not mine) from giving them a handout of gas money or domestic dog/ferret boarding expenses. I would send them a gift, but no amount of cash tin purchase them class or dignity. Also, Noah should be making practiced coin at present that he simply started an imaginary job as a diesel maintenance technician.
But wait, information technology gets worse! Rhainoah is throwing some kind of encounter-and-greet potluck party in a park in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, on March 31. Rhainoah volition supply some cookies or something, and guests tin bring a dish (no glassware) to share with the two or iii other people distressing and lonely enough to attend this thing. Consumption of booze is prohibited in the park, then make sure you get liquored upward before you arrive.
Rhainoah will answer your dumb questions, and you can probably get an awkward photo taken with them. If the potluck is lame, you tin can always crash the children's Easter egg chase taking place in the aforementioned park at the same time.
via GIPHY
Ami Brown: Medical Miracle?
People Magazine had this whole large thing back in Jan about Mother Ami chirapsia Stage 4 lung cancer, complete with Billy's expert medical opinions. It is indeed proficient news that she responded well to treatment, and I wish her good health and a full victory over this atrocious disease. There was a lot of jubilation, and a lot of people losing perspective.
Here's the reality: The survival charge per unit for her disease is iii percent after five years. Female parent Ami is still very deep in the woods, and she'll need lots of follow-upwardly intendance and tests to check for cancer recurrence. Still, Billy drags his ill married woman up to northern Washington, far from her physicians in L.A., to film this worn-out Idiot box crapfest. None of this should surprise you. Billy simply thinks well-nigh Billy.
No, Gabe Is Not in Love With You
If the saga of Rhainoah didn't pitter-patter you out plenty, permit me regale yous with the ribald tales of smartphone-philandering Gabe, who has been linked to various ladies from all over the globe. 1 such lady stalker went to keen lengths to convince others that she was Gabe'due south fiancée. According to Profane Reality:
She'due south gone and then far equally to buy herself a band, send herself presents, and send gifts to her children, all allegedly from Gabe. Her proof? A couple of ii-year-onetime photographs from when she went to Hoonah in 2016 to
stalkmeet the Brown family.
The jig was upward when Rainy posted this flick of her brother snogging with some other lass.
https://www.facebook.com/alaskanfrauds/photos/a.914151288667995.1073741829.877850308964760/1632146080201842/
Not but was the secret life of Gabe's faux fiancée blown upward, but some other ladies who were also being wooed by Bush-league Casanova cried foul and made public screenshots of their interactions.
Gabe is even getting some action in the fantasies of this ABP fan fiction writer, who has given the Browns the Danielle Steel handling. The stories are en español, but stuff like Gabe losing his virginity is freaky in any linguistic communication.
The Net should be burned to the footing and its ashes buried deep within an oceanic trench.
See the New Boss—Worse Than the Old Boss?
You may have heard the news about Scripps Networks Interactive and Discovery Communications doing i of those massive media merger deals. Basically, it puts Scripps' lifestyle Tv set networks—HGTV, Travel Channel, Food Network—in the same corporate family as Discovery Channel, TLC, Animal Planet, and Science Channel. One of the biggest bigwig casualties of the merger is Rich Ross (pictured beneath), group president of Discovery Channel and Science Channel, who joined the company in 2014 and was just given the heave-ho.
(Photo: Emma McIntyre/Getty Images for Discovery)
Ross had loftier hopes for bringing prestige back to Discovery. He sounded similar he was going to open the windows and clear out the stench of B.S. similar ABP and shows about guys getting swallowed by snakes. He did not. Ross had countless opportunities to jettison ABP from Discovery's lineup, but he found the lure of cheap and easy ratings from the dunderhead demographic likewise hard to resist.
I similar to imagine Ross got the boot for non canceling ABP, but my dreams were shattered when TLC President Nancy Daniels got Ross' former job and Discovery CEO David Zaslav said he's putting all his chips downwards on and then-called unscripted programming. ABP sounds similar it's right in Daniels' wheelhouse.
Goody.
*The exact number of Alaskan Bush-league People seasons is in dispute.
Source: https://www.tvinsider.com/671752/when-is-alaskan-bush-people-coming-back-new-season-8-preview/
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